Its OK.
You’re OK.
I’m OK.
We’re Ok.
Why you lying babe?
Nothing about this is OK
Divorce is like a car crash. Sometimes you see it coming in slow motion; other times it blindsides you and leaves you with a neck brace. No matter the nature of the collision, being told that “everything will be okay” can feel less like a comfort and more like a dart in the eye, dismissing the immensely unsettling challenge of making it through the moment. This well intended phrase makes so much sense and I catch myself saying it when my kid slips on the steps or spills cereal all over the floor. We say it because we want to make it so, but reality doesn’t always work that way. Too often the words just bounce against the backdrop of our turmoil, landing as an invitation to glide over the depth of our pain to make everyone else in the room more comfortable.
Divorce is a dismantling—not just of a legal partnership but of the plans, dreams, inside jokes and shared hopes woven within a marriage. It’s a process filled with potentially complex logistics and deep interpersonal unraveling. Acknowledging that everything will in fact not be okay, at least for a while, is not pessimism; it’s an acceptance of reality and and in some cases, offers a deep relief. We don’t have to feel like we’re failing to fix it anymore, we can just feel it the many shades grief as they moves through us, knowing that we are also moving through them.
Holding space for the “not-okay” of it all means giving ourselves and our loved ones permission to be humans instead of heroes. It helps us understand that healing is not linear, but thankfully time is, and it will continue to carry us forward as we flow through the many ups and downs. Some days the weight of what we’ve lost may feel utterly suffocating and other days the lightness of newfound freedom may make us feel like we can fly. Existing between these extremes is part of the intricate process of redefining our identity and living beautifully layered lives. A brilliant resilience can be gained walking through a pain you tried to resist, learning from it, and allowing it to ripen your empathy, widen your capacity for compassion, and give you a deeper understanding of what you truly want from the rest of your life.
There’s a unique and unexpected beauty found in the reconstructed result of a reality you’ve had to rebuild. Like kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, the healing process highlights our scars, not as marks of failure but as a testament to our strength and ability to endure and evolve. A reminder that while everything may not be okay, a new normal is on the horizon—one that’s richer, deeper, more authentic and profoundly our own.
Navigating divorce demands a network of support—be it through resources, friends, family, or professionals who we can lean on as we chart the course through the twists and turns of this often exhausting and emotional labyrinth. Support groups or therapy in all sorts of forms can provide the tools and space needed to process our experiences in a healthy and constructive way. It sounds like drudgery but there are exciting discoveries to be unearthed as you lean into the act of receiving care and engaging vulnerably in the community that emerges as you prioritize making the space around you safe for yourself.
Ultimately, the journey through and beyond divorce is deeply personal and varies widely from one individual to the next. By fully embracing the range of our experiences and emotions, and allowing ourselves to sit with what sucks, we pave the way for a future rich with potential for joy and a deeper understanding of the purpose in our pain. Some situations will always be unfortunate and no amount of sugarcoating can change that. But moving through them is an opportunity for us to emerge anew, facing a future full of possibilities that go far beyond simply shooting for an OK life.
